Insomnia
Okie blogger is pissing me off. I can't even post something peacefully. here goes the last try.
It's almost 430am now.. and I can't sleep... the same song has been playing on the media player for the umpteen time. It's a wierd mood that I'm in now.. I'm neither here nor there... recent events have set me to reflecting... it seems like a natural thing to do... and the sum result is an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. Naivete. Sheltered. Somehow I have this feeling that I'm more comfortable with my com then with the people around me. Am I then finally turning into a recluse?
Or has that dreaded depression mode set in again? I'm getting addicted to walking aimlessly, alone, and for unknown lengths of time around my estate... nothing really goes through my mind during these times... but the encompassing feeling of aloneness. I realise the past sem has been a blur. for that matter my entire time in NUS thus far can be classified as a blurred memory. Unwelcomed images of rgs days surface in my mind... not that they were unhappy days.. but that they remind me of unhappy times. And I realise that the hurt of that time never really went away.. and I find myself having to deal with it all over again. Will I ever walk out of those shadows? I have to snap out of it. Self-esteem was hard won, and self-doubt is so easy to fall back into... god please guide me through this.
I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye.
I don't know whether it's right of me to blog about this, but it seems like the only way to talk about how I feel. I can't seem to speak of it, so perhaps writing it out will help.
I knew her back in rgs, in ncc where I guess the junior-senior relationship prevented deeper friendships from forming.. but my earliest memories of her was that she was a shy person, quiet and softspoken.. But in the company of her platoonmates, she could also be quite outgoing, playful and funny. That year of being a part c nco was fraught with ups and downs... I regret many things that happened that year, but most of all I think I regret not being a better senior. I don't know how the juniors thought of that year, but I'm sorry they had to go through some of the things that were not their troubles to begin with.
After I heard the news, I went back to my sec school photo albums, and the gifts I kept from the juniors... I'm glad what came to mind was the fun times we had during company outings, dinners; trainings and camps. I guess the point I wanted to say was to thank her for being my junior, for perhaps not blaming me outrightly for mistakes I made along the way... and to say sorry that I didn't see her in her last days... and that I wasn't there to say goodbye.
The juniors wrote stuff for us when we stepped down, and this is some parts of what she wrote for me, "We know we had been a disappointment to you all in many ways but we hope that we had been a source of happiness too.. we will work hard to do you all proud." I want to say to you, indeed I might have said that I was disappointed sometimes, but in retrospect it was never about what was done wrong, but rather that I hoped that you could be so much more... it perhaps sounds presumptive put in that manner, but I hope you understand what I mean. And I think being proud of you all was never an issue... I don't feel I'm in the position to, I'm just grateful that we had that time to learn together. As for being a source of happiness... you definitely were.. you and all your platoonmates... the small things that you all did, said to me, I treasure the memories truly.
I admit that I've lost touch with you and your other platoonmates... there was no excuse but that of university and life in general... I recall distinctly the time we talked about you coming into architecture and your cheerful optimism... I didn't know quite what to say to you.. but I truly did admire you. I'll try to take a leaf out of your book from now on... and perhaps live my life with more purpose, for you made me realise that we all only live once. I give my condolences to your family, and hope that love for you will allow them to stay strong... Shufang, I'll say goodbye to you tomorrow... but my thoughts and prayers will stay with you. I rarely think of the afterlife.. but I hope you're well and in a better place now.
SDE DnD... 1 week ago...
okie.. wanted to post this.. but only just got hold of the pic..
yep... that's the aki table and it was the ONLY aki table.. yea well.. and we were there mainly cos of free tix... ended up with free tix, free dinner and i won 5th prize in the lucky draw! whoopee... 85 bucks worth of nivea products... though most of them are guys' products.. argh. but i never win lucky draw one kind can... haahaa.
Yea, been busy these days setting up the HanyangEX website... for the hanyang exchange.. here's the address...
HanyangEX... check it out if you want... i'm quite happy with it though there's nothing much posted yet...
we're down to 18 people.. hopefully pple won't suddenly say not going anymore... yikes. it's slightly 2 months more before I leave... while I'm quite raring to go... I'm still a little apprehensive about being away from home for so long. I've just realised that there seems to be a lot more to do than there is time left... there's that traffic survey job next week.. of which i'm totally clueless about.. tsktsk... and outings to plan.. trying to figure out what to do with the 10 days in Korea.. and autocad to learn.. argh. That last one is definitely the bummer. I hope that publishing company really replies me with something to do otherwise the money for Japan will have to drop from the sky...=(
Anyway, CT gang... settlers' is on next thursdays nite.. ladies night.. whoopee. 7pm.. von dear, don't be late..=) rofl. I'll make the reservations soon.. Now i've got to get back to finishing the photoshop job. haiz. this is going to be a long night. cheers~
